Tuesday, August 14, 2007

a bit lost

I'm feeling a little lost today. Well, not just today, it's been about two months. I didn't believe that the offer of publication of my collection would throw me like this. I thought I'd just keep on going, writing stories. But I feel very stuck. I feel as though I should have a big project to work on - a new collection, a screenplay - something. But I feel completely at a loss to even think about what that could be. I wake up in the morning and I'm not fired up, not driven to jumping out of bed and creating. I wander around, waking up slowly, doing little things here and there, aimless, highly irritating to J, I imagine. Everything feels a little foggy.

I also feel guilty at my aimlessness and annoyed at my guilt. Layers upon layers. How dare I, who has the luxury of all this time, not use it to the full? Yes, but use it how? I have both the sensation that I can do whatever I like, and a heavy weight pressing down that is stopping me from doing anything.

I joined a wonderful forum called Bloggers With Book Deals, whose public face is Bookarazzi. BWBD has 50 or so members, all of whom blog and all of whom have book deals, some of them related to their blogs, and others not. I blog, I have a book deal, I can join in, I thought. Everyone seems lovely, but they are chatting about film rights, about their readings, appearances on major UK talk show Richard&Judy and interviews in the national newspapers, and I am lurking in a corner, totally overwhelmed. I can barely talk about "my book", I feel raw.

This is not how I thought it would be.

I thought I would move to the next rung up the ladder, to actual publication of a collection, with delight, with a boost to my confidence, smoothly moving on to the next thing you do. Instead, I feel as though I am half hanging off the ladder, I don't want to look down, the next rung is so far out of reach.

And I look back over what I have just read and am furious for even feeling like this. I'm so lucky, right? Why I am whining? I think I might take up pottery, maybe try and join a singing group. I should tidy up my workspace, which is utterly chaotic. Or maybe I'll have another cup of tea. Maybe I should just ride this out, notice my un-ease, my discomfort, as my meditation teacher would say. Don't judge it, it's not good or bad, just notice it, and breathe. Breathe. There's an idea.


Vanessa G said...

Have a hug.

We have a book deal, but it is very small beer, T.

It's a start, nothing like the stuff on that blog.

So unless you are making really good contacts there, pull out, I'd say.

Its like my dear husband... for thirty years he has boutght Country Life magazine. For the beautiful houses it features. And we live in a boring, modern box. hardly likely to make him happy, is it?!

Know thyself, and get on with being yourself. At your own pace.


Sara said...

Awww Tania, I'm not where you're at, but I hear what you're saying. It's what we do to ourselves isn't it, needle away, berate ourselves, insult ourselves, listen to the big, bad, doomy voice inside. Breathing sounds good solid advice.
By the way...not all the folk at bookarazzi are so far ahead of you at all. Some are just good at making themselves sound important, others are bloggers with tiny published success, some are far more widely known. It's a mix, and you have every right to be there if you wish. V is right though, if you don't feel comfy there, what is the point?